Characteristics Most Associated with Unsuccessful Pastors
The inability to identify, recruit, train, and deploy workers and leaders. (95%)
Use of ineffective methods of evangelism, and unwillingness to be ruthless at evaluating the results of those methods. (77%)
No clear plan and goals, which results in working hard at wrong things or lack of focus. (77%)
No proven record under supervision or authority. (73%)
A nurturer/ enabler/ facilitator rather than an assertive leader and equipper. (68%)
Failed to adequately research and understand the community in which trying to build a church. (64%)
No local or extra-local support and encouragement from other leader. (64%)
Unsure about the Holy Spirit’s leading for the church. (59%)
Not willing to take responsibility for church growth. (55%)
Success for failure of church tied to self-image; ego strength problems. (55%)
Unsure of call. (50%)
* Results based on telephone interviews of 22 pastors whose churches had failed. The interviewer, Todd Hunter, had supervised or known the pastors, and could in most instances agree with their evaluation. The numbers in parentheses are the percent who had this problem.
Characteristics Most Associated with Successful Pastors
1. A hard worker. (100%)
2. Proven record under supervision or authority. (95%)
3. Sure of call. (95%)
4. An attitude of optimism and faith. (95%)
5. Good social skills, friendly, easily liked. (95%)
6. Takes responsibility for church growth. (95%)
7. Both husband and wife felt called to the church. (90%)
8. Held values, priorities, and philosophy of denomination. (90%)
9. Indigenous of extra-local support from other leaders. (80%)
10. A strong marriage. (80%)
* Results based on telephone interviews of 20 pastors of successful, growing churches. In many instances they had raised up several churches. The numbers in parentheses are the percent who had this strength.
(Source of quote unknown.)
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Marriage Questions Part 4
My fiancee's parents don't like me because I'm African and they have been causing problems for us. How do we deal with that?
*Everything I am going to say in reply to this question concerns adult children. If you are not adults yet then it is a completely different ballgame.
If you know that this is God's choice for a marriage partner then I think that you both need to sit down with the parents and share your concerns. You need to let them know you are certain this marriage is God's will and you are committed to one another for a lifetime. You want to try to win them over if at all possible. The Bible tells us to do all that we can possibly do to live in peace with everyone (Rom.12:18). Ideally you don't want to go into a marriage without the parent's blessing though this might not be possible in every situation. Ultimately we can't let the prejudice of others determine our relationships. We certainly should honor our parents and seek their opinion and advice but if our parents aren't making biblical decisions then we are under no compulsion to heed their advice.
The Bible tells us in Genesis 2:24 that a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife and the two shall become one flesh. Marriage is about leaving and cleaving. Sometimes parents try to hold on to their adult children by interfering in their relationships or trying to manipulate them. This is wrong. Parents have to let their children go and release them to make their own decisions.
Be careful that you are not reading something into the situation that is not there. Sometimes we think that a certain thing is the issue when in reality the isue is something else. Have your fiancee's parents told you or your fiancee that they don't like the fact that you are African or is that what you are assuming? That's a really important question to answer. This is where having a long talk with your future in-laws is really indispensable. It's easy to misunderstand people's motives. If they don't like you try to get to the real reason why. Again you are seeking to do everything in your power to win them over. Ultimately they may never like you but don't let it be because you haven't tried to win them over.
If you decide to go ahead and get married without the parent's blessing you will both need to be prepared to deal with the challenges that will create. It might mean that you will not have the closeness or contact that your fiancee presently has with their parents. In a close family this can be a traumatic transition so both of you need to be prepared for a worst-case scenario. I would encourage you both to pray and fast that God would soften their hearts and accept you as part of the family. Remember nothing is impossible with God.
*Everything I am going to say in reply to this question concerns adult children. If you are not adults yet then it is a completely different ballgame.
If you know that this is God's choice for a marriage partner then I think that you both need to sit down with the parents and share your concerns. You need to let them know you are certain this marriage is God's will and you are committed to one another for a lifetime. You want to try to win them over if at all possible. The Bible tells us to do all that we can possibly do to live in peace with everyone (Rom.12:18). Ideally you don't want to go into a marriage without the parent's blessing though this might not be possible in every situation. Ultimately we can't let the prejudice of others determine our relationships. We certainly should honor our parents and seek their opinion and advice but if our parents aren't making biblical decisions then we are under no compulsion to heed their advice.
The Bible tells us in Genesis 2:24 that a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife and the two shall become one flesh. Marriage is about leaving and cleaving. Sometimes parents try to hold on to their adult children by interfering in their relationships or trying to manipulate them. This is wrong. Parents have to let their children go and release them to make their own decisions.
Be careful that you are not reading something into the situation that is not there. Sometimes we think that a certain thing is the issue when in reality the isue is something else. Have your fiancee's parents told you or your fiancee that they don't like the fact that you are African or is that what you are assuming? That's a really important question to answer. This is where having a long talk with your future in-laws is really indispensable. It's easy to misunderstand people's motives. If they don't like you try to get to the real reason why. Again you are seeking to do everything in your power to win them over. Ultimately they may never like you but don't let it be because you haven't tried to win them over.
If you decide to go ahead and get married without the parent's blessing you will both need to be prepared to deal with the challenges that will create. It might mean that you will not have the closeness or contact that your fiancee presently has with their parents. In a close family this can be a traumatic transition so both of you need to be prepared for a worst-case scenario. I would encourage you both to pray and fast that God would soften their hearts and accept you as part of the family. Remember nothing is impossible with God.
Marriage Questions Part 3
Here are some more questions being texted in concerning our series "Growing A Great Marriage."
How do you know if someone is "the one?"
This is a great question. If you ask most people who are happily married how they knew their spouse was "the one" they would probably reply "You just know and if you don't know they are obviously not the one." There is probably some wisdom in that statement, but as believers who are committed to Christ and His will we need to approach finding a mate from a biblical perspective and not rely on cliches. Who you marry is probably the most important decision you will make in your life so you want to know for sure that you marry the right person.
Let me give you some biblical parameters for finding the right mate.
1. Is your mate a committed Christian who is living a godly life? Some people try to missionary date hoping that somehow when they get married the pastor performing the ceremony will wave a magic wand over the couple and suddenly their character deficiencies will be changed. It doesn't happen that way. What you see before you get married is what you will see after you get married it’s only magnified more after your married. You can’t change them. If the person you are thinking about marrying has some major character flaws don’t marry them! Have you observed them in pressure situations to see how they react? Have you seen the way they treat their parents or friends. These are all indication of character. If you are committed to Christ don't ever marry anyone who is not. You will be unequally yoked and it will bring you much pain, heartache and conflict that you can avoid. Let me caution you that just because a person says they love God doesn't mean they do. What is their character like? Do they display the fruit of the Spirit? Are they godly in their conversations? Do they have a good reputation? Do they pray with you? God meant for our spouses to complete us both physically and spiritually. Is your mate a person who sharpens you spiritually? Don't ever lower your standards to marry someone.
2. Can you love this person for the rest of your life? Now notice that I did not ask if you were in love with this person. We can be in love with someone and that not be God's choice of a marriage partner for us. I realize that this goes against the romanticized notion of love so popular in the culture today. Remember that being in love is a feeling and feelings are notoriously unreliable. Feelings and emotions are the responses of chemical reactions in the body. Feelings tend to dissipate over time. Some couples are madly in love and get married and within a few years fall out of love and get divorced thinking that the feelings are the primary criterion for marriage. It is important to understand that love is not a feeling or emotion, love is a choice we make. When we marry we make a decision to love this person for the rest of our lives. The definition of biblical love can be found in 1 Corinthians 13. So the question is in light 1 Corinthians 13 can we love this person for the rest of our lives? If we answer yes then you have probably found the one. I can hear all the romantics saying does romance and being in love have no place in courtship? Absolutely yes! I don’t mean to belittle romance or being in love. Being in love is one of the most glorious experiences of life. If you are not madly in love with the person you are dating don’t even think about getting married to them. I just want you to realize that romantic love is not the main criteria for deciding whether or not to marry this person. Romantic love will get you married, biblical love will keep you married.
3. Are you going in the same direction? Amos 3:3 asks us, “How can two walk together unless they are agreed?” Are you both going in the same direction? Do you both have the same goals and desires in life? Do you both want the same things in life? Are you in agreement as the number of children you will have, location you will live, whether the wife will work outside of the home or be a homemaker? All of these questions must be answered before you can truly decide if this is the one. If you are not going the same direction then this is obviously not the one.
4. Has God impressed upon you that this is the one? When I met my wife-to-be she told me that God impressed upon her that I was the man she was going to marry. I have heard the story repeated many times by other believers. When you find the right person there will be a sense of God-ordained destiny about it. God will impress upon you somehow, someway that this is the one. What is your gut telling you? If you don’t know then pray that God would make it clear. The Bible tells us that if we lack wisdom to ask God and He will give us the wisdom we need.
5. Are you ready to take the plunge? There is something called the paralysis of analysis. What happens with many people is that they are so afraid of making the wrong decision that they never make the right one. They analyze over and over and it paralyzes them from making the right choice. If you can answer yes to the questions above then there’s no reason you shouldn’t get married. The more you analyze the less likely you are to be confident that this is the one. So if you have found the one stop analyzing, board the marriage train and enjoy the journey.
How do you know if someone is "the one?"
This is a great question. If you ask most people who are happily married how they knew their spouse was "the one" they would probably reply "You just know and if you don't know they are obviously not the one." There is probably some wisdom in that statement, but as believers who are committed to Christ and His will we need to approach finding a mate from a biblical perspective and not rely on cliches. Who you marry is probably the most important decision you will make in your life so you want to know for sure that you marry the right person.
Let me give you some biblical parameters for finding the right mate.
1. Is your mate a committed Christian who is living a godly life? Some people try to missionary date hoping that somehow when they get married the pastor performing the ceremony will wave a magic wand over the couple and suddenly their character deficiencies will be changed. It doesn't happen that way. What you see before you get married is what you will see after you get married it’s only magnified more after your married. You can’t change them. If the person you are thinking about marrying has some major character flaws don’t marry them! Have you observed them in pressure situations to see how they react? Have you seen the way they treat their parents or friends. These are all indication of character. If you are committed to Christ don't ever marry anyone who is not. You will be unequally yoked and it will bring you much pain, heartache and conflict that you can avoid. Let me caution you that just because a person says they love God doesn't mean they do. What is their character like? Do they display the fruit of the Spirit? Are they godly in their conversations? Do they have a good reputation? Do they pray with you? God meant for our spouses to complete us both physically and spiritually. Is your mate a person who sharpens you spiritually? Don't ever lower your standards to marry someone.
2. Can you love this person for the rest of your life? Now notice that I did not ask if you were in love with this person. We can be in love with someone and that not be God's choice of a marriage partner for us. I realize that this goes against the romanticized notion of love so popular in the culture today. Remember that being in love is a feeling and feelings are notoriously unreliable. Feelings and emotions are the responses of chemical reactions in the body. Feelings tend to dissipate over time. Some couples are madly in love and get married and within a few years fall out of love and get divorced thinking that the feelings are the primary criterion for marriage. It is important to understand that love is not a feeling or emotion, love is a choice we make. When we marry we make a decision to love this person for the rest of our lives. The definition of biblical love can be found in 1 Corinthians 13. So the question is in light 1 Corinthians 13 can we love this person for the rest of our lives? If we answer yes then you have probably found the one. I can hear all the romantics saying does romance and being in love have no place in courtship? Absolutely yes! I don’t mean to belittle romance or being in love. Being in love is one of the most glorious experiences of life. If you are not madly in love with the person you are dating don’t even think about getting married to them. I just want you to realize that romantic love is not the main criteria for deciding whether or not to marry this person. Romantic love will get you married, biblical love will keep you married.
3. Are you going in the same direction? Amos 3:3 asks us, “How can two walk together unless they are agreed?” Are you both going in the same direction? Do you both have the same goals and desires in life? Do you both want the same things in life? Are you in agreement as the number of children you will have, location you will live, whether the wife will work outside of the home or be a homemaker? All of these questions must be answered before you can truly decide if this is the one. If you are not going the same direction then this is obviously not the one.
4. Has God impressed upon you that this is the one? When I met my wife-to-be she told me that God impressed upon her that I was the man she was going to marry. I have heard the story repeated many times by other believers. When you find the right person there will be a sense of God-ordained destiny about it. God will impress upon you somehow, someway that this is the one. What is your gut telling you? If you don’t know then pray that God would make it clear. The Bible tells us that if we lack wisdom to ask God and He will give us the wisdom we need.
5. Are you ready to take the plunge? There is something called the paralysis of analysis. What happens with many people is that they are so afraid of making the wrong decision that they never make the right one. They analyze over and over and it paralyzes them from making the right choice. If you can answer yes to the questions above then there’s no reason you shouldn’t get married. The more you analyze the less likely you are to be confident that this is the one. So if you have found the one stop analyzing, board the marriage train and enjoy the journey.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Marriage Questions Part 2
I'm doing a series of posts on questions that were texted in during the first session of our Growing A Great Marriage series. So here's one of the questions that came in,
"What if someone did something wrong to you and you have problems to let yourself be loved?"
This is a great question and needs to be addressed because there are many people who have been greatly traumatized by harmful things that have happened to them in their past. The fact is that when a traumatic event such as sexual or emotional abuse transpires in our life it deeply scars our psyche. What happens with many people is that they try to suppress the emotional pain they feel or just ignore it hoping it will go away. The only problem is that it never goes away. You have to deal with your issues or they will deal with you!
The reason we have a hard time accepting love is because we are afraid to open ourselves up because we might be hurt again. The main problem boils down to fear. It's a security issue with us. But God doesn't want us to live in fear. In 1 John 4:18 God says that perfect love casts out all fear. We need to experience the genuine love of God.
When you bring that emotional baggage into a marriage it not only affects you but your spouse. You can't have a fulfilling marriage if you are not emotionally healthy. When we hide those traumas and aren't honest with our spouse about them it only results in extreme frustration for both them and us.
So the first step toward healing is to be upfront with your spouse about what happened to you. You won't find healing until you address your hurt. Allow your spouse to be a ministering agent of God's grace in your life. After all you are one flesh. The next thing I would say is that you have to forgive those who hurt you. If we do not choose to forgive we choose to relive the event over and over again. Forgiving someone who hurt you is not easy but it is necessary. When we choose to hold on to unforgiveness a root of bitterness grows up in our life casuing all kinds of physical and emotional problems. We must forgive for both our physical and spiritual health. The feelings won't necessarily be there at first but we forgive in faith and trust that the feelings will come later as we continue to walk in forgiveness.
It would be very helpful to memorize some Scripture that talks about God's unconditional love for us and quote them to yourself throughout the day. Romans 12:2tells us that we are transformed by the renewing of our minds. If we are going to be healthy emotionally our minds must be transformed and they are transformed through the power of God's Word.
The reason we have a hard time accepting love is because we are afraid to open ourselves up because we might be hurt again. The main problem boils down to fear. It's a security issue with us. But God doesn't want us to live in fear. In 1 John 4:18 God says that perfect love casts out all fear. We need to experience the genuine love of God. Once you begin to believe that God loves you it will be easier to accept and revel in your spouse's love.
Now let me talk to your spouse. Living with a person who has been traumatized can be very difficult and requires an immense amount of patience. The main thing your spouse needs is your love and affection. Even if they have a hard time receiving it pour it on anyway. Take time to pray with them, and encourge them to open up to you and share their feelings and their hurt. This will require boldness and courage on both of your parts. There is a great passage of Scripture that comes to mind when I think about this...
"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken" (Eccl.4:10-12).
The last thing I would recommend is to get some outside help. Go to a solid Christian counselor. There are many wonderful Christian counselors available who can help you to process your pain and find freedom. Counseling is even covered on most health insurance plans. If you need any recommendations let me know and I would happy to give you some names of some great counselors. Also purchase some resources (i.e., books, cd's, workbooks, etc.) that will aid you in your healing. A great book I would recommend is "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality" by Peter Scazerro. You can also purchase a sermon series I did a couple of years ago called "Junk In the Trunk" or watch it online @ www.laurelfirstassembly.org.
Just remember that God is the Healer. He wants to heal you and help you to fully enjoy your life!
"What if someone did something wrong to you and you have problems to let yourself be loved?"
This is a great question and needs to be addressed because there are many people who have been greatly traumatized by harmful things that have happened to them in their past. The fact is that when a traumatic event such as sexual or emotional abuse transpires in our life it deeply scars our psyche. What happens with many people is that they try to suppress the emotional pain they feel or just ignore it hoping it will go away. The only problem is that it never goes away. You have to deal with your issues or they will deal with you!
The reason we have a hard time accepting love is because we are afraid to open ourselves up because we might be hurt again. The main problem boils down to fear. It's a security issue with us. But God doesn't want us to live in fear. In 1 John 4:18 God says that perfect love casts out all fear. We need to experience the genuine love of God.
When you bring that emotional baggage into a marriage it not only affects you but your spouse. You can't have a fulfilling marriage if you are not emotionally healthy. When we hide those traumas and aren't honest with our spouse about them it only results in extreme frustration for both them and us.
So the first step toward healing is to be upfront with your spouse about what happened to you. You won't find healing until you address your hurt. Allow your spouse to be a ministering agent of God's grace in your life. After all you are one flesh. The next thing I would say is that you have to forgive those who hurt you. If we do not choose to forgive we choose to relive the event over and over again. Forgiving someone who hurt you is not easy but it is necessary. When we choose to hold on to unforgiveness a root of bitterness grows up in our life casuing all kinds of physical and emotional problems. We must forgive for both our physical and spiritual health. The feelings won't necessarily be there at first but we forgive in faith and trust that the feelings will come later as we continue to walk in forgiveness.
It would be very helpful to memorize some Scripture that talks about God's unconditional love for us and quote them to yourself throughout the day. Romans 12:2tells us that we are transformed by the renewing of our minds. If we are going to be healthy emotionally our minds must be transformed and they are transformed through the power of God's Word.
The reason we have a hard time accepting love is because we are afraid to open ourselves up because we might be hurt again. The main problem boils down to fear. It's a security issue with us. But God doesn't want us to live in fear. In 1 John 4:18 God says that perfect love casts out all fear. We need to experience the genuine love of God. Once you begin to believe that God loves you it will be easier to accept and revel in your spouse's love.
Now let me talk to your spouse. Living with a person who has been traumatized can be very difficult and requires an immense amount of patience. The main thing your spouse needs is your love and affection. Even if they have a hard time receiving it pour it on anyway. Take time to pray with them, and encourge them to open up to you and share their feelings and their hurt. This will require boldness and courage on both of your parts. There is a great passage of Scripture that comes to mind when I think about this...
"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken" (Eccl.4:10-12).
The last thing I would recommend is to get some outside help. Go to a solid Christian counselor. There are many wonderful Christian counselors available who can help you to process your pain and find freedom. Counseling is even covered on most health insurance plans. If you need any recommendations let me know and I would happy to give you some names of some great counselors. Also purchase some resources (i.e., books, cd's, workbooks, etc.) that will aid you in your healing. A great book I would recommend is "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality" by Peter Scazerro. You can also purchase a sermon series I did a couple of years ago called "Junk In the Trunk" or watch it online @ www.laurelfirstassembly.org.
Just remember that God is the Healer. He wants to heal you and help you to fully enjoy your life!
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
The Cussing Pastor
Interesting that someone else is finally saying something publicly about potty mouth pastors. I wrote a post about how sick I am of hearing pastors cuss and use edgy language so they can look cool. Love what Ed Young has to say.
How Do You Honor Your Wife?
Had some great response from our "Growing A Great Marriage" series this past Sunday. We asked people to text in questions so that we could take a few minutes at the end of the talk and answer them. I think we only got to one question Sunday. So I've decided that I'm going to answer the other ones through my blog this week.
So the first question that we are going to answer is "How do you honor your wife?" In 1 Peter 3:7 husbands are told to honor their wives. So how do we do that? First of all let's define honor. Honor means to esteem or bring special recognition to someone. So husband are called to esteem and recognize their wives in a special way. Some men treat their buddies and co-workers with more honor than they do their wives. Some men treat their moms with more honor than their wives. I'm not against treating your mom with honor (the Bible commands us to do this) but your wife is more important than your mom!
Husbands, your wife is the queen of your home. She should be treated as such. Your wife wants to be treated differently than all your other relationships. She is unique and precious. She wants to stand out above all others in your affections. In Ephesians 5 God commands husbands to nourish and cherish their wives. The problem many husbands have is that they ignore their wives or remain distant emotionally. You are not treating your wife with honor if you never talk to her or connect emotionally with her. Your wife's happiness and emotional well-being should be your top priority. You are commanded to nourish and cherish her.
So husbands let me share with you some practical ways to honor your wife.
1. Honor her with your words. Don't ever call her "the old bag" in public or denigrate her in front of others. Don't use her to get laughs. Compliment her often. Tell her what a great wife and mother she is constantly. Tell her you love her every day. When you pray with her thank God for her so she can hear you. Tell your children how blessed they are to have such a wonderful mother in her presence. Tell your friends what a wonderful woman she is in her presence.
2. Honor her with your presence. Women need to feel emotionally connected. Men by nature aren't very emotional creatures which often results in marital tension. Men you can be there at home and not really be there at home. In other words you are there physically but not mentally or emotionally. Practice the art of emotionally connecting with your wife. Look her in the eye when she talks to you. Engage her emotionally. The benefits are awesome! Many years ago we decided that we were going to make Friday night date night. That was our time to be together. We don't schedule anything else on Friday nights because that is our time. I think it's been one of the best decisions of our marriage because it enables us to connect emotionally with one another every week.
3. Honor her with your actions. Give her gifts. Send her flowers. Write her love notes. Open the car door for her. Surprise her with her favorite chocolates. Buy her jewelry.
4. Honor her by rescuing her from the mundane. Every married couple needs to get away by their selves a couple of times a year. Give your wife a break from the kids and the ordinary hum drum. It doesn't have to be fancy or expensive but it does need to be planned. A two night get-a-way will do wonders for your wife and your marriage. Maybe you say we can't afford to do that. I would recommend that you prioritize your budget to do it. Taking your wife on a weekend get-a-way is not a waste of money but a wise investment in your marriage. Remember that a weekend away is cheaper than a divorce!
So the first question that we are going to answer is "How do you honor your wife?" In 1 Peter 3:7 husbands are told to honor their wives. So how do we do that? First of all let's define honor. Honor means to esteem or bring special recognition to someone. So husband are called to esteem and recognize their wives in a special way. Some men treat their buddies and co-workers with more honor than they do their wives. Some men treat their moms with more honor than their wives. I'm not against treating your mom with honor (the Bible commands us to do this) but your wife is more important than your mom!
Husbands, your wife is the queen of your home. She should be treated as such. Your wife wants to be treated differently than all your other relationships. She is unique and precious. She wants to stand out above all others in your affections. In Ephesians 5 God commands husbands to nourish and cherish their wives. The problem many husbands have is that they ignore their wives or remain distant emotionally. You are not treating your wife with honor if you never talk to her or connect emotionally with her. Your wife's happiness and emotional well-being should be your top priority. You are commanded to nourish and cherish her.
So husbands let me share with you some practical ways to honor your wife.
1. Honor her with your words. Don't ever call her "the old bag" in public or denigrate her in front of others. Don't use her to get laughs. Compliment her often. Tell her what a great wife and mother she is constantly. Tell her you love her every day. When you pray with her thank God for her so she can hear you. Tell your children how blessed they are to have such a wonderful mother in her presence. Tell your friends what a wonderful woman she is in her presence.
2. Honor her with your presence. Women need to feel emotionally connected. Men by nature aren't very emotional creatures which often results in marital tension. Men you can be there at home and not really be there at home. In other words you are there physically but not mentally or emotionally. Practice the art of emotionally connecting with your wife. Look her in the eye when she talks to you. Engage her emotionally. The benefits are awesome! Many years ago we decided that we were going to make Friday night date night. That was our time to be together. We don't schedule anything else on Friday nights because that is our time. I think it's been one of the best decisions of our marriage because it enables us to connect emotionally with one another every week.
3. Honor her with your actions. Give her gifts. Send her flowers. Write her love notes. Open the car door for her. Surprise her with her favorite chocolates. Buy her jewelry.
4. Honor her by rescuing her from the mundane. Every married couple needs to get away by their selves a couple of times a year. Give your wife a break from the kids and the ordinary hum drum. It doesn't have to be fancy or expensive but it does need to be planned. A two night get-a-way will do wonders for your wife and your marriage. Maybe you say we can't afford to do that. I would recommend that you prioritize your budget to do it. Taking your wife on a weekend get-a-way is not a waste of money but a wise investment in your marriage. Remember that a weekend away is cheaper than a divorce!
Monday, June 8, 2009
An Open Letter to Pastors
Last night I found out that several well-known pastors have recently fallen due to moral failure. I can't tell you how my heart breaks for the devastation wrought upon families and churches because of this kind of sin. There is grace and restoration for the sinner but the consequences of that sin will follow you your whole life.
When David was confronted and repented of his adultery with Bathsheba God told him that as a consequence of his sin the sword would never depart from his house. In Proverbs 6:27 the writer asks, "Can a man scoop fire into his lap and not be burned?" I think sometimes we are too prone to cover over sin and its consequences. As pastors and leaders we need to understand up front the potential consequences that will result from our behavior. God is gracious and loving and merciful and forgiving but He doesn't forgive the consequences. The sword will never depart from our house.
Geoff Surrat of Seacoast Church in Charleston, SC has written an open letter to pastors that I think every church leader needs to read and heed.
This weekend Gary Lamb, one of the more popular pastors in the social networking world, admitted that he has been in an ongoing affair with his assistant. Following the direction of his church Overseers he resigned from the church he planted five years ago effective immediately. The damage his actions caused will continue for many years in the lives of hundreds of people. I do not know Gary personally but I have followed him on Twitter for the past year and have read his blog occasionally. I have no comment on his specific situation other than to say I am praying for his family, his church, the woman he has been involved with and for Gary.
I do, however, want to comment on pastors shipwrecking their lives and the lives of their families. I have been involved in ministry all of my life, the past 27 as a staff member or pastor at three different churches, and I have seen stories like Gary's over and over. The details vary, but the end result is the same; total devastation. The key question is not what happened, but rather how can we avoid the same fate. Here are some random thoughts:
If you think you aren't vulnerable, you are already toast
I had a counseling professor in college who said that the pastors who are in the most danger of a moral shipwreck are the ones who think it will never happen to them. If you think you are too honest, too faithful, or too transparent to ever be involved in an affair you are skating on very thin ice. David never thought he'd sleep with Bathsheba until he saw her naked; then he couldn't think of anything else. You can steal money, you can get involved in pornography, you can cheat on your spouse, and you can lie to your family. Every day of our lives we have to remind ourselves we are vulnerable to complete moral failure.
If you think you can burn the candle at both ends, you are already toast
There are no super humans in ministry. When I read twitters of pastors who get up at 4:00 a.m. every day, who work seven days a week, who counsel people at night and on their "day off", I know that they are headed for a fall. God took a day off when he was creating the world, Jesus took a beach trip to Tyre and Sidon (Mark 7:24) during his ministry. Unless you know something God doesn't know you are headed for a major fall without regular downtime.
If you think you can do ministry without accountability, you are already toast
The only "conversation" I ever had with Gary Lamb was a Twitter exchange over the importance of an accountability group. Gary felt that the Overseers of his church provided all the accountability he needed. My contention is that we need people who are face-to-face with us on a regular basis, who know our wives and our assistants, who can ask us the really tough questions. I don't know if the Overseers provided that for Gary or if a local group would have prevented his fall, but I do know that I need that kind of scrutiny in my life.
If you think you don't need safeguards, you are already toast
Filters on internet access, never handling cash for the church, never meeting with someone of the opposite sex alone, letting others have access to your email; these are such a pain and to be honest I don't always have all of them active in my life. The reality is that safeguards will not keep you from doing what you have already decided to do, but they can give you enough margin to change your mind before you act.
If you think it's about you, you are already toast
Failure begins with ego. When you begin to think that success is because you are smart, funny, talented, cool or a 100 other adjectives and not simply because God is God and has chosen to bless you; you are headed down a very dangerous path. When you being to think the ministry will crumble without you and that you have to work 24/7 to make it happen you are headed toward destruction. When you think the rules stop applying to you and you can cut corners and you are above it you are on a crash course for disaster.
As ministers we are in a marathon. If you do not pay attention to the danger signs along the way you will crash before the finish line. Your crash may be a spectacular moral failure like Gary's, it may be the slow destruction of your marriage, or it may be the rotting of your soul; but Satan will use ministry to destroy you. And God will not say to you in Heaven, "Too bad about your family, but awesome job building a great big church. Fist bump, dude."
Three things every pastor needs to do:
Slow down
You will not change the world today and tomorrow isn't looking good either. There is plenty of time to hang with your wife, play with your kids, play golf, relax. God was at work long before you showed up and He will be at work long after you are gone. You cannot live on adrenaline all of the time. You cannot be pumped up about every weekend. If you live that way for an extended time you will crash.
Open up
You need someone in your life who knows you inside and out; someone who will ask the hard questions and know when you are ducking the answers. It is difficult as a pastor to find someone you can be truly honest with, but it is essential that you find that person. Another pastor who does not attend your church might be ideal.
Count the cost
Every time you are tempted to break a rule, to cut a corner, togo somewhere you shouldn't go consider what it will cost you when it all comes to light. What is going to happen when your wife finds out? How will she feel? What will it do to your children? What will this do to your church? How will it feel to write a letter like Gary had to write?
You don't wake up one day and decide to shipwreck your life. You do it one stupid decision at a time. As someone who has seen this happen again and again and again I am begging you to take action today because it will happen to you.
When David was confronted and repented of his adultery with Bathsheba God told him that as a consequence of his sin the sword would never depart from his house. In Proverbs 6:27 the writer asks, "Can a man scoop fire into his lap and not be burned?" I think sometimes we are too prone to cover over sin and its consequences. As pastors and leaders we need to understand up front the potential consequences that will result from our behavior. God is gracious and loving and merciful and forgiving but He doesn't forgive the consequences. The sword will never depart from our house.
Geoff Surrat of Seacoast Church in Charleston, SC has written an open letter to pastors that I think every church leader needs to read and heed.
This weekend Gary Lamb, one of the more popular pastors in the social networking world, admitted that he has been in an ongoing affair with his assistant. Following the direction of his church Overseers he resigned from the church he planted five years ago effective immediately. The damage his actions caused will continue for many years in the lives of hundreds of people. I do not know Gary personally but I have followed him on Twitter for the past year and have read his blog occasionally. I have no comment on his specific situation other than to say I am praying for his family, his church, the woman he has been involved with and for Gary.
I do, however, want to comment on pastors shipwrecking their lives and the lives of their families. I have been involved in ministry all of my life, the past 27 as a staff member or pastor at three different churches, and I have seen stories like Gary's over and over. The details vary, but the end result is the same; total devastation. The key question is not what happened, but rather how can we avoid the same fate. Here are some random thoughts:
If you think you aren't vulnerable, you are already toast
I had a counseling professor in college who said that the pastors who are in the most danger of a moral shipwreck are the ones who think it will never happen to them. If you think you are too honest, too faithful, or too transparent to ever be involved in an affair you are skating on very thin ice. David never thought he'd sleep with Bathsheba until he saw her naked; then he couldn't think of anything else. You can steal money, you can get involved in pornography, you can cheat on your spouse, and you can lie to your family. Every day of our lives we have to remind ourselves we are vulnerable to complete moral failure.
If you think you can burn the candle at both ends, you are already toast
There are no super humans in ministry. When I read twitters of pastors who get up at 4:00 a.m. every day, who work seven days a week, who counsel people at night and on their "day off", I know that they are headed for a fall. God took a day off when he was creating the world, Jesus took a beach trip to Tyre and Sidon (Mark 7:24) during his ministry. Unless you know something God doesn't know you are headed for a major fall without regular downtime.
If you think you can do ministry without accountability, you are already toast
The only "conversation" I ever had with Gary Lamb was a Twitter exchange over the importance of an accountability group. Gary felt that the Overseers of his church provided all the accountability he needed. My contention is that we need people who are face-to-face with us on a regular basis, who know our wives and our assistants, who can ask us the really tough questions. I don't know if the Overseers provided that for Gary or if a local group would have prevented his fall, but I do know that I need that kind of scrutiny in my life.
If you think you don't need safeguards, you are already toast
Filters on internet access, never handling cash for the church, never meeting with someone of the opposite sex alone, letting others have access to your email; these are such a pain and to be honest I don't always have all of them active in my life. The reality is that safeguards will not keep you from doing what you have already decided to do, but they can give you enough margin to change your mind before you act.
If you think it's about you, you are already toast
Failure begins with ego. When you begin to think that success is because you are smart, funny, talented, cool or a 100 other adjectives and not simply because God is God and has chosen to bless you; you are headed down a very dangerous path. When you being to think the ministry will crumble without you and that you have to work 24/7 to make it happen you are headed toward destruction. When you think the rules stop applying to you and you can cut corners and you are above it you are on a crash course for disaster.
As ministers we are in a marathon. If you do not pay attention to the danger signs along the way you will crash before the finish line. Your crash may be a spectacular moral failure like Gary's, it may be the slow destruction of your marriage, or it may be the rotting of your soul; but Satan will use ministry to destroy you. And God will not say to you in Heaven, "Too bad about your family, but awesome job building a great big church. Fist bump, dude."
Three things every pastor needs to do:
Slow down
You will not change the world today and tomorrow isn't looking good either. There is plenty of time to hang with your wife, play with your kids, play golf, relax. God was at work long before you showed up and He will be at work long after you are gone. You cannot live on adrenaline all of the time. You cannot be pumped up about every weekend. If you live that way for an extended time you will crash.
Open up
You need someone in your life who knows you inside and out; someone who will ask the hard questions and know when you are ducking the answers. It is difficult as a pastor to find someone you can be truly honest with, but it is essential that you find that person. Another pastor who does not attend your church might be ideal.
Count the cost
Every time you are tempted to break a rule, to cut a corner, togo somewhere you shouldn't go consider what it will cost you when it all comes to light. What is going to happen when your wife finds out? How will she feel? What will it do to your children? What will this do to your church? How will it feel to write a letter like Gary had to write?
You don't wake up one day and decide to shipwreck your life. You do it one stupid decision at a time. As someone who has seen this happen again and again and again I am begging you to take action today because it will happen to you.
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